A noticeable aspect of our parents in today’s society is comparing between children, creating differences. It can be with the child’s friend, with the child of next door or with one’s own sibling.
If I pull some examples like, "Your friend Sujana got 95% marks in maths why can’t you?", "Did you see how brilliant is Rohan of our next door? He got golden marks in every subject, learn something from him." "You will never be like your elder brother. Look at him, he is an all-rounder."- bla bla bla.
But our parents don’t even think for a single moment that how much this actions can affect the child.
Making comparisons between children is the story of every family now. Almost 80% of children are facing this curse every day. But it has become very important to know that how harmful these activities are to a child’s mental state.
When a child constantly sees his parents comparing him with someone else, the thought easily enters his mind that he has no good qualities, he is not as worthy as his friends, he is not capable to please his parents. These thoughts easily break his mental spirit.
End of the day, he fell further behind in his studies and social life instead of moving forward. Directly or indirectly parents are responsible for this mental breakdown of a child. But if parents still understand that?
Some important points that parents must know today –
Why should stop making comparisons between children ?
How harmful it is to create comparison between children? What are the downsides?
How to encourage your child to move forward without creating comparisons?
Let’s get into it…
Why should stop making comparisons between children?
• Every parent may think that if the child is compared with others, he/she will become stubborn and try to imitate others, try to make himself/herself like others. In trying to do better, parents forget that comparison does not always lead to good. In the midst of all this things, parents do not even try to know what their child’s emotional state is, what he/she wants.
So, the anger and violence that is born in the child is no longer known to the parents. At the end of the result, it can be seen that, In trying to do good the morale of the children is broken by the parents , as a result of those they fall behind in the struggle of life also.
• First of all, every parent should remember that not all children are the same. Not everyone’s mental state is the same, not everyone’s talent is the same. Every child has its own needs, its own dreams.
Scientifically, everyone’s likes and dislikes, behavior can’t be the same. Some may be good at mathematics, some may be good at biology. Some may be good at playing cricket, some may be good at painting.
• Parents should accept that every child has different tastes. A child who is good at a subject should be encouraged to pursue that subject, no comparison can be made. Children are get mentally broken due to the comparison. Because of those, both their wishes and dreams are also get broken.
They started to think themself weak. Start to remove themself from society, family & friends. Begins to withdraw themself from everything. So parents should stop comparing children. Sould be with children in any situation.
How harmful it is to create comparison between children? What are the downsides?
Making comparisons among children is very damaging to them mentally. It destroys their morale. It creates distance between parents and children.
Now we will try to know point by point that how harmful it is to create comparison between children and what are its negative sides –
Mental Stress –
Constant comparison creates mental stress on the child. As a result, the child cannot fully concentrate on anything, becoming slightly agitated. At the end of the strory, both the child’s personal life and academic life get hampered. They get into depression day by day.
Feeling worthless –
When a child fails to please his parents despite trying his best, he starts to feel worthless when he compares himself with others. Lose his confidence. He can no longer find the strength to try again. He begins to believe that nothing will happen to him that he is an immaterial person, a ‘good for nothing’. Because that’s what his parents think of him.
Decreased self-esteem –
Due to parents’ constant negative reactions to themselves, children begin to think that they can’t do anything, that they don’t have the ability to please their own parents. They begin to think of themselves as inferior to others, which hinders their progress in life.
Create distance between parents and child –
When children see that their parents are constantly comparing them with others, praising their classmates, neighbors, siblings, but do not feel the need to see their efforts, then the child naturally thinks that their parents are ignoring them, not happy with them. They don’t like them as much as their other siblings.
Even in the love of parents, the children add a ‘?’ mark that they really do love them. As a result, a distance is gradually being created between parents and children.
Creation of rivalry between brothers and sisters –
When the parent neglects one and constantly praises the other one in front of the neglect one, then naturally an adverse reaction is seen in the child. He/she begins to think of his/her brother or sister as a rival. They also think that they are not important to their parents.
A negative impression about their parents gradually build in their mind. As a result, the relationship between brothers and sisters also gradually worsened.
Withdrawal from social activities –
Create comparisons by parents sometimes reach that point where children are forced to isolate themselves. They are afraid to go anywhere with their parents, family, don’t want to go to relatives house. They feel anxiety & get panicked thinking about that what next.
Development of Carefree attitude –
A child tries his best to do good, to please his parents. But when parents don’t see their efforts, don’t see their pain, they constantly see what other children have done, then children naturally become indifferent to their own studies, parents and everything. Removes themself from everything.
After a sudden time they don’t even think that what their parents want. Start to ignore parents. They don’t care about anything. Because their efforts can’t able to make their parents happy. Their parents don’t even tried to see the efforts they were given to make them happy when it was needed. So at the end they give up.
Underestimating children’s talent –
Many times it is seen that parents impose their preferences on their children. Don’t even try to find out what the child likes, because so-and-so’s son is reading about it, so should you. Not being able to focus on their desired subject, many children lose their strength of mind. Thus children’s talent is constantly being underestimated.
As a result of all these, many children get into depression, many fall into darkness and never see the light. Someone’s dream get broken, someone chooses the path of suicide.
Due to a little careless behavior of parents, the innocence kids fall into the abyss. In today’s world, these are the story of every single day & every single famiy.
How to encourage your child to move forward without creating comparisons?
A little mental support from you and a little positive talk is enough to get your child moving forward.
Following are some positive methods that parents can try –
• Instead of comparing, praise your child’s every single effort, even if they did a little worse than the previous test. Stand by them mentally. Let them know that you are by their side, they will do better in future exams.
These small actions will build confidence in your child. They will have the courage to move forward.
• Encourage your children to face weaknesses. Ask openly if your children need any help. Support them.
• Praise your child for any good deeds. Do it by heart.
• Don’t force your decision or choice on your child. This is one of the biggest mistakes as a parent. A good parent’s first responsibility is to know what their child likes, what their dreams are. Then take them forward to fulfill their dreams.
• Don’t set any unrealistic expectations on the children. If your child wants to be an artist, don’t force him/her to take up engineering. He/she may be very talented and intelligent, but for success in any field, how much emotional acceptance and interest the person has in that field is also equally important.
• Provide unconditional support and love. If your child doesn’t get good marks in any test, don’t make them feel like they’ve let you down or embarrassed you. Always support your child in all situations.
Talk to them like a friend, encourage them to practice more and always praise their efforts in public. Never embarrass your child in front of anyone.
• Set that in your mind that you are not your child. You should never push your child into something they are not willing to do.
Let’s talk about something unimportantly important matters –
As a parent, you should never tie your self-esteem to your child’s school or sports performance. Which is done by the most of the parents now-a-days. ‘A little bad result of a child, parents dignity get mixed with dust’, this is the mind think of most of the parents.
Looking at them, it seems that the result is more important to them than the life of their own children. Due to the result, the number of suicides is increasing day by day.
Who is responsible behind this? Our family, our society is truly responsible for this curse.
If anyday your child complains to you that "you don’t love him", "you love his older brother more, support him more", "you don’t care for him, don’t support him emotionally", don’t blow their complaints by laugh off, please.
They’re not expressing their feelings out of the blue, they remembered your actions – verbal or non-verbal – that made it clear to them that there has differences in your love for him & his brother?
So give them value for these small feelings. Be more careful about it. Never make the mistake of seeing two children with two eyes. Divide affection, , love, care or hardness equally between each child.
No one in the world is perfect. Everyone has some flaws. This is the law of nature. Just as you can’t be a perfect mother, your child can’t be perfect by excelling in everything including academics and sports. Everyone faces different challenges. Situations differ from house to house and from child to child.
If you think deeply, your two children have differences in their abilities and skills. So they should be allowed to go according to their abilities and skills.
Don’t force your child to take singing classes if they don’t like it. Maybe they are more interested in learning something else. Find out which are they like. Help them to move forward according to their choice. You will see success is very close to your child.
Remember that every child is unique. They have different levels of interest, different strengths and weaknesses. Keep yourself and your child away from unwanted pressure of society.
This trend of competition and comparison is more common in parents than in children. Exit this feature. Make life easier. Don’t make life so difficult for your little ones. Let their colorful childhood remain colorful.
Give children the freedom to follow their wishes, dreams. Let them fly like free birds. One day you will see that excellence and success are sure to come to life with the flying colors.
Be proud of your children always. Give them your love and try to make your child an honest, brave, confident person.
Famous person Brene Brown said – "Stay in your lane. Comparison kills creativity and joy".
There is also a saying that – "Comparison is the death of peace and well-being."
So don’t take away your children’s happiness, peace, well-being, joy and creativity from their life.
Life is beautiful. Don’t make it harder. Let this beautiful creation of the Allah remain so simple and beautiful. You will be able to live with full of breath & full of peace.
Comparison between children is like a curse for them. Don’t make their life so toxic. Let’s save our kids from this toxic air. Pull your kids close & make a sweet bond with them. At the end of the day you will also gain a wonderful friend.
"Only parents can give a child a colorful childhood whose colors last throughout the life of the child".
Content Writer,
Kahima Mim.
Myself ‘Kahima Mim’.
An ordinary girl living with some extraordinary wishes.
•I’m a student of Biochemistry and Biotechnology Department & also a ‘Content Writer’.
•Love to do research on any subject and present those things in my own words.Also try to highlight some real facts through my writing.I wanna give something to this beautiful world through my writing. If I can help a single person through my writing,It’ll be be very precious to me.It will be my success.
E-mail : [email protected]
Article by: Kahima Mim October 1, 2022